How I learned to see mess

Mess is something I had to learn to see. I grew up shuffling between 2 parents who did not know how to keep house. One hired out, and the other piled up. Housekeeping was not something I saw or participated in. I didn’t even notice a difference in cleanliness between my two homes until I was much older.

As an adult, I spent some time with preschoolers. I noticed many girls were attuned to keeping their surroundings clean as early as 3 years old. There are many schools of thought on this, but, I’ll just say that I had none of that awareness, even into adulthood. In my 20s I realized that other people my age helped with cleanup after family events. Today, I still wonder what I did with my plate, after I ate, for the duration of my growing up years. Did my family think I was selfish? Is it selfishness if you honestly didn’t notice? Sorry, stereotypical dudes and underrepresented females: by the time we are adults, we are accountable for our shared spaces and for doing our part at home.

As a teen, I knew that my mother complained to her friends that I refused to be helpful. My ex-stepdad even wrote me a letter after he left asking me to help my mom out. But, I didn’t know what that meant. “Help out” was so vague, and I lived moment to moment. I only knew that I was disappointing somehow, which was how I normally felt.

Motherhood brought clarity, and I could see that the issue was either the inability of the child to clearly connect, or the parent to clearly articulate the desired behaviors that satisfy vague expectations. Generally, desires like “be helpful” are satisfied with a few concrete actions (take out the trash, wipe the counter, don’t leave stuff on the floor). I didn’t want my kid to feel vaguely disappointing. I wanted him to actually learn to contribute (and not be seen as selfish simply because he never connected the dots), so I clearly outline what is expected, and how to do it.

When I was young, I didn’t intentionally avoid being helpful. I just had no awareness of the labor I left for someone else. Once we reach adulthood, whatever the reason; lack of teaching, total naiveté, or wiring, none are an excuse to not share the load. We only have a reason to approach it differently.

Many of us grow up and leave home never having had a conversation about how to approach housekeeping. It’s something, like taxes and sex, that we’re supposed to just figure out. Unfortunately, I can only help out with housekeeping. I share 3 straightforward approaches below. Each is a little different. Try them all, or choose one that appeals to you. Plan a mess date, see what the vacuum hits, or print out my basic housekeeping list below.

Make time to see mess

The more stressed or overstimulated I get, the less I notice. I feel separated from the rest of life by a sort of protective fog. So I have to take time to look, to connect to the world beyond my brain. Maybe you’re the same way.

Take some time to actively place your attention on mess. Think of it as a daily practice, like yoga. Plan a time for looking and connect it to something you already do every day, so that you remember. Perhaps, when you get home, you have a soda and you walk around in search of mess. You can implement a simple scanning approach, or a section by section, room by room, or top to bottom approach.

Working with mess naïveté

There are 2 bigs jobs that naturally take care of mess, for those who have a hard time separating the chaff from the wheat.

The first is vacuuming. If things are in the way, the vacuum cleaner will eat them, or die trying. The focus on not breaking the appliance happens to correspond with a clean home. Decide how often you will vacuum. Will you do the whole place in one go, or address different sections on different days? If this is your main approach to housekeeping, I recommend that you divide the home into sections, and vacuum each section once per week. My small house has only 2 sections, but you could have as many as 4.

Counter and table wiping also naturally address mess, as long as you do not wipe around things, but address them as they come into your path. Work from right to left or left to right, clear the surface completely as you go, and put each thing in its place. Wipe kitchen and dining surfaces once per day or after meals. Wipe other home surfaces once per week.

Odds are, if you vacuum the whole place, and wipe all the counters and tabletops, the home will be clean and you will be seen as helpful.

A basic cleaning list

Visit each room (living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom) and read through the list with a rag in hand:

1. Look at tables, counters, or dresser tops. Put away things that don’t live there. Wipe kitchen tables and counters daily. Other rooms; weekly.
2. Look at beds, couches and chairs. Make sure all cushions are even and pushed in. Adjust throw pillows and fold or smooth blankets. Put away things that do not go on the furniture.
3. Look at the floors. Put away anything that is not a rug or a piece of furniture. Put them where they go: toys in toy bins, clothes in hampers or closets nicely hung. Sweep or vacuum weekly. Mop monthly. If you don’t know how to, Youtube it.

If you enjoyed this, consider supporting my writing by sharing this post.

Friday newsletter subscribers, remember to complete your chore list so it’s ready for the next step. Don’t worry, it’s not hard.

In Friday’s paid newsletter, we continue to set up our Sensory Housekeeping Plan, a more structured way to handle the mess you might not see: